Homesick for a Memory

This is a very vulnerable post. Something that still cuts very deep. Something I’m still learning how to deal with, with the Lord. As some of you may know I went to ministry school in Kansas City. Up until now in my life, those were the best 2 years of my life. I’m still processing that season. After 2 years there God was uprooting what I had planted there and wanting to plant me somewhere else. And to my surprise it was going back home. Yes I had expectations and desires of where I would go after ministry school. And it was definitely not home. That was the last place I wanted to go to. And on top of that leaving friends who became family, and a community that I called family. In Kansas City, I found myself in the Lord. I could be who I was. Identity was slowly being restored. I really could write a book about all the Lord did in that season. Maybe one day I will. But in some way leaving Massachusetts was the Lords’s sovereignty. He knew that if I had stayed there any longer than I did, I would have given up. Massachusetts in my head was associated with pain, sadness, anxiety and so much more. So of course it was the last place I wanted to go back to. Driving back home, which was a 24 hour drive, made me see the wrestle that was starting inside my heart. A wrestle where I didn’t know what my future looked like. Which for someone who has anxiety is the worst. Anxiety comes from a place of losing control. I was angry and disappointed in the Lord. My expectations and desires clouded my vision to see what Lord was doing. I spent most of my time so angry that I could not open my Bible, even speak about any of it. It was one of the hardest things up to now. Harder than all the things I had already gone through. But as time went by I really didn’t have anywhere else to go. So I went back. I opened up again to God. Slowly he started to open my eyes, even with all the tears. I could barely see but he was holding my hand. Like a little girl just following her father. He showed me how He was wanting to rewrite my past in Massachusetts. He was bringing me back to my pain and showing me the beauty He was creating from my ashes. The joy from my sadness. He was healing me from my past. He was uprooting old flowers to make space for new, brighter, stronger flowers. Uprooting hurts, especially when those are all you know. It’s all new ground. That’s another point, He was pushing me to trust Him more. I struggle with control. So being somewhere where nothing is guaranteed or you can’t see what is happening next makes me feel like I’m on floorboards that are about to crack and I’m going to fall. He wanted me to trust even more in His leadership. Control has to do with comfortability. I wanted to control my future so I could be somewhere that I was comfortable with. But Jesus doesn’t care about us being comfortable but more about our  hearts trusting Him more and more. The more He has our trust, the more He can do what is best for us, the more He can heal us. The more you lean into trusting Him in whichever situation or season you are in, the more you will thank yourself in the long run. I’m turning 21 in a few days and I am very thankful that God is doing these things now in my heart. I’m creating a beautiful history with God. He’s maturing me. But that still doesn’t take away the pain that comes with it. It’s okay to grieve, just don’t stay there. I don’t have a solution, I also don't have all the  answers. I’m still learning what it means to walk this life out with Jesus. It has so many highs and lows, sadness and joy. But one thing I do know is the more you lean into your pain and give it to Jesus, one day you will see that He has led you into a beautiful garden full of flowers. Beauty where you never thought possible. Beauty from ashes. Take heart. Take it a day at a time. Smell the flowers along the way. Beauty is everywhere, even in sadness. He carried you up until now. He hasn’t given up on you, so don’t give up on Him. He loves you and has the best plans for you. Open yourself up again and fall into His loving embrace. His love heals and fills every empty space. Let Him love you wherever you are!